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Sunday, January 29th, 2006
5:37 am
Tuesday, January 24, 2006


"help i have done it again..."

i was 6 feet deep....so i thought...but days turn into nights...and nights to weeks... and weeks turn into months and i clawed out of the grave...earth scraped under my fingernails, coughing dirt....oxygen gasped monday (not so blue this time i suppose)

"i have been here many times before..."

no longer trusting these incessant butterflies wriggling in my chest demanding release....yet here they fly out of my mouth, exploding in wings and pigment and exoskelaton and blood.

"hurt myself again today..."

got the scars telling all of my secrets (shhh..) open gums teeth gnashing tumbling headfirst....

"and the worst part is there's no one else to blame"

hold my wrists over my head, no need to tie them, i'll never move.

"be my friend, hold me, wrap me up, unfold me..."

my skin tells the story, roadmaps yet untraveled....my turn on this ride around the carousel...before i was born i was fire, before i was flame i was ash....and the ash lends endless possibilties.

"i am small and needy, warm me up and breathe me..."

please.please. please. please. please. please. please.please.

(i am unaccustomed to tact.)....but ridiculously close to want and near re-fuel. (cynicism was never my strong point).

"ouch, i have lost myself again...."

so i guess the mirrors kinda cracked (yeah.) but you can still see your reflection...it's just a matter of really looking.

"lost myself and i am nowhere to be found...."

when you get so soft i can feel from states across....and time zones have no bearing on my spinning head, and i wonder how...but there you are in my room, laying next to me with kindess in your hands elicited from a smooth twang.

"i think that i might break..."

smoke me. smother me. crave me. eat me. throw me down and pick me up. drink me lush. soothe me. slave me. kiss me. crush my chest. rip my bones. put me in the corner. give me faith. kill me.

"lost myself again and i feel unsafe..."

my name came out damaged goods. fucked off the assembly line. raped out of her lips, now seek up. (i knock on yours.)

"be my friend hold me, wrap me up, unfold me..."

lets lay in your bed and fall in our eyes. can it be just right? and i'll bury my head into your shoulder when your to much to look at directly...

"i am small and needy.."

sunrise/sunset. sunrise/sunset. sunrise/ sunset. (there is still so much i am unsure of....this is not one of them.)

"warm me up and breathe me..."

and. i. will. breathe. (you.)

4:23 AM - 5 Comments - 9 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove


i dreamed the stars, the one's i wish on, collapsed last night.

Posted by Scott on Tuesday, January 24, 2006 at 7:09 AM
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nutrition for the brain

Posted by jenny on Tuesday, January 24, 2006 at 8:16 PM
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learnit. liveit. loveit. <3

OHMY. this is hardcore.



Posted by learnit. liveit. loveit. <3 on Thursday, January 26, 2006 at 8:10 AM
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oy veah. that takes my breath away. You really are a writer

Posted by Angie on Thursday, January 26, 2006 at 1:21 PM
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Now I understand why you always made people go away so you could have your "alone time." Never thought you were the kind to retreat into the darkness while leaving your flashlight behind. --- I like it.

Posted by Mullethead on Friday, January 27, 2006 at 10:56 PM
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Friday, January 20th, 2006
11:23 pm
"wrap me up, unfold me...i am small..."
i have never before felt this lonely....its so strong...the strange thing is i've been feeling happier...i am just so freakishly lonely....

it's getting dangerous....
Saturday, January 14th, 2006
12:44 pm
it's scary when a single song sums up your entire life....
(EXCEPT FOR YOU KNOW THE MOM ON DRUGS THING)...but you can MOS DEF substitute some people for that....my chest is deep and tight and feels triumphant.

*Better son/ daughter.* -Rilo Kiley.

Sometimes in the morning I am petrified and can't move
Awake but cannot open my eyes
And the weight is crushing down on my lungs
I know I can't breathe
And hope someone will save me this time
And your mother's still calling you insane and high
Swearing it's different this time
And you tell her to give in to the demons that possess her
And that god never blessed her insides
Then you hang up the phone and feel badly for upsetting things
And crawl back into bed to dream of a time
When your heart was open wide and you love things just because
Like the sick and dying

And sometimes when you're on
You're really fucking on
And your friends they sing along
And they love you
But the lows are so extreme
That the good seems fucking cheap
And it teases you for weeks in its absence
But you'll fight and you'll make it through
You'll fake it if you have to
And you'll show up for work with a smile
And you'll be better
You'll be smarter
More grown up and a better daughter or son
And a real good friend
And you'll be awake
You'll be alert
You'll be positive though it hurts
And you'll laugh and embrace all of your friends
And you'll be a real good listener
You'll be honest
You'll be brave
You'll be handsome and you'll be beautiful
You'll be happy

Your ship may be coming in
You're weak but not giving in
To the cries and the wails of the valley below
Your ship may be coming in
You're weak but not giving in
And you'll fight it you'll go out fighting all of them


Current Mood: hopeful
Monday, January 9th, 2006
6:49 pm
"i just reach for mother mary..."
i know a black sheep....and this is all to accurate.

-Sneaker Pimps.
Wednesday, December 7th, 2005
7:32 pm
aw shit.



Current Mood: numb
12:43 am
'yeah i loved you so what..." -ani d.

---so i just got out of the hospital.....long story.....but i was therefor awhile and i have nothing relevant or interesting or intelligent to say.....





(or lack there of...)

go have FUN you fuckers....life is short...

Current Mood: apathetic
Monday, October 31st, 2005
5:20 pm
dusty mexican toes here i come....

everything you are
and everything you were
your number has been called
fights, battles have begun
revenge will surely come
your hard times are ahead

you've got to be the best
you've got to change the world
and you use this chance to be heard
your time is now

everything you are
and everything you were
your number has been called
fights and battles have begun
revenge will surely come
your hard times are ahead

you've got to be the best
you've got to change the world
and you use this chance to be heard
your time is now

let yourself down
don't let yourself go
your last chance has arrived

you've got to be the best
you've got to change the world
and you use this chance to be heard
your time is now
Thursday, September 29th, 2005
8:37 pm
maybe one day we'll wake up...

i have never felt happier (truly...warm in my guts, bursting fireworks, reverse-columbian-necktie, grin from ear to shit eating ear)

as outside P-house....

on a pile of dirt (a WAY stretch of the imagination to be called a parking lot) drinking warm beer (sips of) and sangria out of a thermos....

hearing the thumpthumpthump of a "gayMecca" behind me (drugged up/drunk half naked men dancing to "vogue" with a house beat)

and i was ridiculously glad to be alive.....

(i called to EES/SBCJ at 10AM next morning to tell them so )

and i have meant to make a note of it ever since...b.c it is moments like that (regardless of the before or after) that make life worth living....

(or maybe i am just a sentimental creep who got tipsy outside of a club...who cares.....?....it made me smile on the inside...)

Current Mood: nerdy
Tuesday, September 27th, 2005
3:16 pm
"its times like these...."
and you give and you live and you love and you lose and you learn and everything still doesnt seem to make sense and i still wake up at 6Am and i still walk all day with my dog looking around...searching for exhaustion and boredom and find it andtry to act surprised.... i keep going and realize that television is todays herion and -GOD sang hallelujahs unto the sky-...its a beatiful but sweaty clarity i have today choosing bus stops over razor blades...which is only funny if you know that...i think in pretty sentences now...but seldom speak....
who knew?

i mean...i could be so cliche as to say those things they all say with a twinkle and a half step/joke/"i'll take a scotch on the rocks"/pretty on the inside/doll parts/humpty-dumpty/cosmos/meeting at 9:30 AM mind fuck.....

truth is....no fight today....today, there is plenty of aesthetics to gaze...today the band is called cellardoor and Left simply does not exist...

("do you feel alone in the world son?")

solitude as a concept, as a dream having of waking of a dream sleeping waking up dream had.....and there you are...dragonfly to man....reality to idea........(with a whole lotta dots in between)....

yeah, i guess there is no other way to put this.....it is a disappointment sometimes.....

but since its all pink and fluffy and ....we all just agree not to talk about it....and then, when joy sneaks up on you in its purest form....and there is light and darkness and you have fingers and thumbs and little bitty toe nails hanging on....we don't really talk about that either....

ho hum.

i am gonna go walk in the sand and sing to the lizards and make nice sounds around palm fronds...

instead of being so boring and trite and un original as all of this....

(lets maKe the most of our liquid mess shall we?)

Current Mood: contemplative
Sunday, September 11th, 2005
1:05 am
just checking in...
so i got stuck in gainesville and i am at 50percent with my back so all is well..
and getting better....
Tuesday, August 30th, 2005
4:56 pm
OK...so quickly cuase the most beautful woman in the world is waiting for me...

my brother took the computer to college...so i can't really update very often....

so all of you who care...


kidding...i will do my best toi write....

(ps--i hate survey's and i hate reading them....but i might do my own just to feel better...)

so i am sad and a hypocrite...sigh.

Current Mood: discontent
Friday, August 19th, 2005
3:58 pm
get on track kid....
ok...so skipped my Physical therapy for the 2 time this week,,,,but i am already kicking my own ass....and ready to get back on track...(i guess everyone derails once in awhile..)
just feeling drained and wishing for $$$$...

but today is still salvagable...and yesterday i took my dog to the lake...and threw sticks for her...so i was excited...and sadie really appreciated it....

so i will get back up....and hurry up and heal damnitt!!!

(ps...alyssa i have dropped shit all OVER the internet to tell you how much you mean to me....but i am gonna do it again...so deal with it...i could never have enough words to tell you what is in my heart....)

and i am a cheesy Mug....aw shit....

"thinks falling bombs are shooting stars.."

love love love love!!!!

Current Mood: drained
Thursday, August 18th, 2005
2:00 am
thats wild wacky zany stuff!!
in chronological order....

(and this is VERY important to me b.c i have spent the entirety of my summer vacation flat on my back and floating in a pool completely incapacitated due to my silly little spine..)

and as i have discovered....the more you drink/ snort.....the LESS pain you feel!

(FYI-my back is steadily healing..thanks for asking...)

so the order....
-arrived in cocoa just in time to have it be pitch black...and SB to be going only slightly insane from solitude...
-bake shrooms..eat some dinn dinn with banjo...
-SB lee lee and joy arrive....drinking commences.
-irish rose, soco, beer, wine consumed...
-heard a band i had never heard before and adored it...
-SB CLIMBS A FREAKIN BALCONEY ( and wins her way into everyones heart and pants for the evening)
-eat some mushrooms...(very small amount).
- i get nervous and throw up mushrooms.
-we go down to the beach...(joy complies with the "NO BARE FEET" sign)...though does NOT go down in ONLY shoes as promised...(sad face.)
-banjo picks up sarabeth an alarming amount of times.
-leee leeeee rocks the beach in a beatiful way.
-some bum is obsessed with jesus...
-I AM NAKED IN THE MOONLIGHT WITH 2 BEAUTIFUL WOMEN!...(hurray for skinny dipping.)
-have a "moment" with SB.
-go back to the love condo...snort massive piles of percocet...
-intense porch conversation.
-i am very in love with ALyssa...(realize it for the millionth time)
-nighty noodles!....
..-but joy and A and i have the giggles and it is long past 8 AM when we finally doze ...murmuring of "douchbag-ery"
-i wake up intertwined with my baby.. :)
- she gets her period :(
-we clean up a bit...and SB and i go to the beach...and it is beautiful...
-then the sky explodes.
_and ang disappears...
-and A finds her...
-WE go to SUSHI...(yum yum yum yum yum)
-bye bye SB... :(

-we go to wal mart for things....buy alcohol and show up to a PARTY...play with rugby boys...
-=johny does TAROT...
-more snorting...
- Kyle proclaims me his HERO... (and i love him now)
- Ron gives me a ring...so i give him one as well.
-alyssa learns dishes from a culinary student (yay for me!) :)
-banjo bonds with ron...
-more snorting percocets..
-the 3 way deep chat
-then, everyone is naked....
-..and dancing...
-and i am bouncing with my cane and getting baby oil sqiurted on me..
- i take of Joy's panties with my teeth..
-jimmy, alyssa, joy and i take a bath...
-(alyssa starts to give me a lap dance...and i get embarrassed.)
-and i REALLLLLLY Love my baby girl....(so so so much)
-angie is still bonding with ron...
-we sleep...
-we wake up....
-it takes hours...but we are at the lake, swimming naked for HOURS...and it is BEAUTIFUL....
-we go to Ron's...for a lot of eating...and watching movies...(oh yeah and more snorting and drinking)
-and i am happy...and feel glowy as i snuggle on the floor with the prettiest girl in the wolrd...(even if she is grumpy)

and i am happy happpy happy

so i smile oh so big and look at my film wishing it would hurry up and get developed already...

(to all of you who made this possible...thank you so much...you have no idea how much it meant to me....i NEEDED a pick me up, spiritually and emotionally...i walk away with re-connections and NEW connections...and i am so grateful to all of you...).....esp jimmy's pretty penis.

thank you.

Current Mood: geeky
Wednesday, August 17th, 2005
9:50 pm
"i want some sweet malty sex on my pussy loving tongue.."

i had the most INCREDIBLE weekend EVER...it was the only ONLY only fun thing i have done all summer....and it was beautiful.../

i have never enjoyed myself so mmuch...


Current Mood: pleased
Friday, August 12th, 2005
3:18 am
"to disarm THIS weapon of mass destruction that we call our president"
seriously, i was thinking..remember when our worst national problem was a blow job??
it's sad that the masses are so uneducated that they actually APPROVE of a semi literate cowboy blowing up iraqui elementary schools...ah well, i guess it is the TRUE american way...i mean we were a bunch of europeans at one point or another who sailed on over and said..."get out or ill kill you with my big gun"....

enoough of that...

OK....so, i have 2 severely herniated disks in my L4 L5.....(which basically means torn and/or crushed..)...also some sort of problem with my S1 and a pinched siatic nerve (which i don't know how to spell)...as well as something called "spondylosis" (i think)....and some other shit that means i hurt and can't walk without a cane or a walker....
i went to this Physical therapist (at a place called SPINE)...and he referred me to a doctor....and proceeded to do a 2 hour (PAINFUL) evaluation....so armed with my MRI's i visited a dr....who prescribed me muscle relaxers, percocets, and adminstered a series of6-8 shots directly into my back...(called "trigger point therapy"....supposed to help with the spasming of the muscles) i have 2 weeks until my epidural...and a good chance of healing without surgery....

then i went to PT (pysical therapy)...where i got lots of masssage and stretches done to me....and learned an exercise to do at home that involes laying still on my back....and was told to walk in neck deep water for a half hour each day...(and am doing diligently)....going back tommorow....

as a result of this lack of activity...i have gained some weight..so i am on a STRICT diet....(no fun)

so, i have spent my entire summer vacation flat on my back at my parents house...which is straight poop...but if i don't have to get a metal bar inserted in my spine...well, i am happy.

so things are doing better...i am feeling optimistic and ready to take this on headfirst.....

OH! i get to do my 1st TRIP..i am going to cocoa for the weekend...with my walker, meds, louge chair and laying flat on my back...(i am not supposed to sit.)

but i am ridiculously excited.

all for now.


Current Mood: cheerful
Sunday, August 7th, 2005
11:30 pm
"i lived to be 90 years old and i hope i never live to see my only granddaughter marry a woman..."
true quote.

anyone who cares about me...say a prayer....tomm i go to the SPINE center...and find out about rehab, more physical therapy...epidurals,
and when i am going to have to get surgery....(hopefully not for 10 more years...)

anyway...i start a diet tomm...and find out more about these crushed disks of mine in my back...so say a prayer...

and stiffen up that upper lip....be a soldier.

cuz this too shall pass......

Current Mood: determined
Monday, August 1st, 2005
1:15 pm
A Small Compulsion....
i haven't written in here for like.hmmm.....almost 8 months???
and i have read it even less frequently....(i have given up checking my "friends"...it inevitably makes me feel icky....)

BUT...i want to write something somewhere....and MYSPACE blogs are kinda sacred...and this is kinda silly.....

so in the land of NicaLeeLee....we have a magical wooden floored house filled with Mystical and beautiful creatures.....and i miss them ALL...so here we go....

the less exotic of the species in the zoo....
Uke-Lee -lee
Anjo- Bajo
Veronica harmonica
(and sometimes..)

then we have the <3 DOGS <3

(mix, yellowlab, CAtahoula Leopard Hound..)

DA Cats....
*Benjamin (benji to his friends)

(the porch cats...previously home challenged...)
Kit the Cat (i didn't do it...)
and her babies...
(still palm sized..)

banjo's Bunny-thumper. (rabbit extraordinaire.)

the chinchilla's (mama and BAby)
-percy (who apparently is quite skilled at sucking himself off...but that makes my tummy feel nauseous....though angie and Lee lee insist it is a handy skill and worth mentioning..)


(alyssa and i had love children)



and i believe that is all in our castle.....but lets not forgot those that have passed before their time

in loving memory--


but we love them ALL very much.....and it is a snuggly family and we all lived happily ever after.....-The End.
Tuesday, July 5th, 2005
12:06 am

I&apos;m Time

"Napoleon is weeping in a carnival saloon...."

Which Strange Little Girl would you be?

This quiz made while Angel was procrastinating her ass off.
12:05 am
I'm Time: Guiding Comforting and Sad.

"Napoleon is weeping in a carnival saloon"

Which Strange Little Girl would you be?

This quiz made while Angel was procrastinating her ass off.
Sunday, February 27th, 2005
10:27 pm
i miss my princess babaaaay face smoochie girl..
and i would do anything to hold her in my arms right now...

i would move heaven and earth...

i would ride my bike...take a bus....

i would pay someone to drive....

her lips are my salvation....

my peace exists in her breast when i lay there...

so quiet and so still.

and guess what?

i hate HATE hate being a woman....

b.c i HATE feeling these feelings...

i hate missing her so much...

it makes me mad at myself....

fuckin a....

i hate it..

b.c i miss her..

Current Mood: distressed
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